


The First

by Wolfy22Zsasz



Series: Songspiration [10]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Origin Story, F/M, POV First Person, POV Multiple, References to ABBA
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2019-10-21 20:33:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 10,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17649407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfy22Zsasz/pseuds/Wolfy22Zsasz
Summary: She was the first. The first Zsaszette. Until Victor left her behind. Will she convince him that he needs her or will she be left loving a memory?Partially inspired by the song "Without me" by Halsey. Also on my YouTube playlist for this story- "Paris" by The Chainsmokers, "Waterloo" "Dancing Queen" "Mamma Mia" and "The Name of the Game" by ABBA, "Kinda Miss You" by Deborah Cox, and "I Really Don't Care" by Demi Lovato.





	1. 1

I was the first. I guess you could say I was the original Zsaszette. The only one. A lot has changed since then. One thing hasn't though. You need me. You don't think you do. You don't want to. But where would you be without me? Dead. Dead on the outside just like you're trying to be on the inside .


	2. 2

I first met Victor after he killed a man. More specifically the first man he ever killed. He sat there, covered in blood, simultaneously laughing and crying. He was nothing like the Victor you probably know. This Victor was unprepared, sloppy, unfocused. Which is why he didn't hear me come up behind him until I spoke.

"Hey."

Victor whirled around wide eyed and brandishing what looked like a steak knife.

"Easy there. Come on, come with me." I could see his confusion plainly on his face. "Listen. You can't just fucking sit here like this. Do you want to get caught? Because sitting out here in the open holding a bloody knife right beside the man you just killed? That's a GREAT way to get arrested and sent to prison." 

My words seemed to be getting through a little. At least he lowered the knife and looked around for any other wandering Gothamites .

I held my hand out to him again. "Come with me. I'll get you cleaned up, some new clothes, and we'll go from there."

He still looks lost and unsure but he reaches out to take my hand and follows meekly behind me as I take him home. 


	3. 3

"Get those bloody clothes off. I think I have some sweats that might fit you." I started digging through my dresser. 

Behind me Victor obliged and started stripping off his bloody clothes.

"What's your name?" I asked as I pulled out some black sweatpants.

"Victor."

I was surprised he answered actually. I had yet to hear him speak, so when I heard his voice I looked back at him. He took my stripping instruction seriously. A fully naked man was now standing in my bedroom. Well shit .

"Damn. Oh! Here." I caught myself and quickly looked away after tossing him the pants. My face was undoubtedly red. It's not like he was a male model by any means, but all of that smooth creamy skin... okay a lot of it had blood on it too, but still. From the glimpse I had gotten, he seemed to be hairless. His body was slim and unassuming. Well... Mostly. 

"Actually wait. Don't put those on yet." I'd forgotten a step. Cleaning him up. I walked to the bathroom and got the tub filling up with hot water. "Can you bathe yourself or am I gonna have to wash you?" I looked up from my position on the floor by the tub to see him standing over me. Well shit. Again. 

I tried to focus on his face. I really did. Even with his junk right by my face. In the end I just looked down at the bubbles in the tub. Then he was stepping in and sitting down, the bubbles covering him modestly. I got a wash rag nice and soapy and went to hand it to him, but he was staring vaguely off into space. Instead of giving him the cloth I found myself reaching forward slowly to wipe at the blood splatter on his face. His gaze turned to me, dark and unwavering, but he sat motionless while I gently cleaned all the remanants of the dead man from his face...his neck...his shoulders and arms...                    I wasn't sure if it was maternal or erotic...either way it was fucked up, but oh well.

Thankfully after his arms and chest and back were done, I was able to give him the wash cloth and leave the room. Unfortunately, when he was done and dried off he didn't bother to leave the towel I'd left him wrapped around himself. Well fuck .

"Here. These should fit you." I handed him sweats and a t-shirt and a zip up hoodie while averting my eyes. Of course he doesn't speak so I ended up having to peek to see if he was dressed. 

"So...."


	4. 4

Generally when a bunch of people come running towards you as if they're running away from something, you should also not go that way. But, I am not most people, or even a typical Gothamite. I didn't stop walking upstream through the fleeing people until I saw why they were running. 

Victor Zsasz. And about half a dozen Zsaszettes. Shooting up the front of a building. It had been awhile since I'd seen him. Been a long time since he'd left me. Betrayed me. Abandoned me. Took advantage of me. 

Whoever was in the building started shooting back with more firepower and Victor and the girls fell back. Their retreat of course took them right past me. The girls walked past me, oblivious. Who was I to them but a random girl on the street- nothing remarkable about me. As Victor approached, head down and eyes averted, I stepped directly into his path.

I didn't say anything as he looked up at me. Just stared wordlessly at him, arms crossed over my chest. I didn't have to say anything. He knew. His dark eyes bored right back into mine, refusing to back down. I wouldn't have expected anything less from him. He brushes past me, clipping my shoulder. He doesn't see my sad smirk or gritted teeth. He'd like to act as if he didn't see me. But we both know the truth.


	5. 5

You see, the Victor you know, the Victor you think you know, is the result of a lot of hard work. My hard work. And his. But mine too. You see him commanding situations, nailing his targets with shot after shot. You see his cool, calm facade. That unnerving stare. The creepy grins. The way he revels in the fear he induces. You see his sexy henchwomen and his shiny guns and tailored suits and the list of people he's killed. What you don't see is what it took, the blood, sweat, and tears shed to create that image. I was there for all of that. He wouldn't have any of that if it wasn't for me. And I don't plan on letting him forget that.


	6. 6

Victor had been staying with me for about a month when it happened. He'd just finished eating the breakfast I'd cooked and was going to take the dishes to the sink. On the way though he stopped by my chair, pausing for a moment before quickly kissing the top of my head and continuing on 

Victor hadn't said much in the time he'd been sleeping on my couch. He ate, he cleaned up, he slept, and he stared off in thought. A lot. He stared at me, he stared at my knife block, he stared at the healing cut on his arm, he stared at the walls and ceiling. 

Then one night he disappeared. I got up to go to the bathroom and he was gone. I wasn't surprised but I was surprised to find that I was worried. So I put on my boots and jacket and went out in search of him. It took me about an hour before I saw the open back door to a pawn shop. Peeking my head in the doorway I saw Victor going through the display cases. 

"Victor!" I hissed.

His head snapped up but he relaxed when he saw it was me.

"What are you doing?" I continued to stage whisper as I stepped into the shop. It was only once I was fully in the door that I saw the body on the floor behind the counter. "Dammit Victor." One if my steak knives was sticking out of the man's chest.

Victor ignored me, so I took off one of my socks to use as a glove and wiped the knife down to get rid of any finger prints. I walked up behind him and saw he was examining a bunch of knives. 

"For God's sake Victor- you're a horrible criminal. Find a bag and stop touching things!" 

Victor found a bag and I used my sock glove to fill it with all the knives plus some other valuables. 

"Do you plan to keep doing this?" I pegged him with a hard stare.

He simply nodded.

I rolled my eyes and looked back around the room. "Okay then I'm gonna have a stipulation. We need to find you a gun. I know you have a thing for knives, BUT a gun is going to keep you safe."


	7. 7

In those first three months of living with me, Victor only killed two more people. Mostly we worked on sneaking into places to steal things. We spent a lot of time practising lock picking, silent entries, and leaving no DNA behind. Our down time consisted of eating lots of pizza and listening to ABBA. It was during those times that he began to open up to me. He never spoke about his past but we laughed and watched bad movies and celebrated his shooting accuracy as it improved. We became friends and partners.

I woke up one night to my bedroom door closing. 

"Victor? What are you doing?"

He only had sweatpants on and had his new favorite gun with him. He went to peer out the blinds of my bedroom window and in the silence I could hear the gunshots ringing in the alley beside my apartment. 

"Turf war?" I whispered.

"Probably." He closed the blinds and the curtains and came to sit on my bed.

"Want to just sleep in here?" 

He nodded. "I'll keep you safe."

I tried to hide my smile as he climbed under the covers. I didn't think I needed protecting. It turns out I did. Except he couldn't protect me from himself.


	8. 8

Victor had just come home from working for Falcone. He and five of the girls had gone out in the job, leaving me sitting home alone. I wasn't a huge fan of the Zsaszettes but a few of them weren't bad. He came back in a foul mood.

"Did something go wrong?"

"Not exactly."

"Well what happened?"

"Fish had a mole. It's taken care of now."

"That's good?" He still seemed too upset for such a predictable development. "You want some cocoa?" I'd learned that sweet things generally made Victor feel better. Well, that and violence.

"No." He stalked into the bedroom and out of sight. When he reappeared it was with a suitcase. 

I watched as he went back into the bedroom and came back out with a duffel bag full of his weapons. My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach as he silently gathered all his belongings. In the beginning I had always expected him to leave. Eventually. But that was before. Not now. Not after. 

I tried to keep my voice steady, neutral, curious. I failed. "What are you doing?" Even I could hear the obvious fear in my voice. 

"Leaving."

There was no point in playing dumb and asking where he was going. The where didn't matter so much as the why.

"Why?" My voice was a hoarse whisper.

"It's for the best."

"What do you mean Victor?"

He finally stopped what he was doing to look at me. "I'm cutting you out of my life."

The words hurt bad enough on their own, without being accompanied by the dead stare he used while on the job. As if this were just another job. Instead of life altering.

"You're what?"

"You are a potential weakness. I can't have any weaknesses. It's for the best." And with that he took his bags and walked out my door.

And that. That hurt worse than any bullet would or knife stab.


	9. 9

I was just sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers, biding my time, when Merton and his goons crashed the wedding I was already secretly crashing. Luckily since I was there to steal myself, my purse was empty and I had no loss in handing it over.

As soon as I heard the whistle I knew who else was there. And damn me if it didn't make my heart race. I spotted him before he spoke. Sitting there handsome as a devil like he owned the place.

"Excuse me. Hi." He stood and walked forward, all eyes on him.

"That's Victor Zsasz!"

"I know who it is. What do you want?" Merton asked him in confusion.

"Oh I was just passing by. Heard the ruckus." Victor answered so nonchalantly that I knew he had something up his sleeve. "You know you can't commit a crime in Gotham now without a license from Penguin right?"

"Is that right?"

Victor sighed. "Well we just started it, so, words still getting out."

I couldn't help but smile. I'd missed Victor. His demeanor. How approachable he could be right before wreaking havoc.

"We ain't kicking half our take to that little creep!"

"Well...that's a problem." I could see Victor switch gears immediately. He knew it was about to be fun... And messy.

Part of me was ready to get the hell outta dodge but the rest of me was eager to watch Victor in action.

"Maybe you ain't noticed, but uh, there's four of us and only one of you." Merton pointed out, holding up a finger for illustration.

I couldn't hide my grin. Even before Victor whipped out one of his guns and shot off that illustrative finger. No one questions Victor's skill. Especially low level criminals foolish enough to go up against him. While everyone else gasped and put hands to mouths, I chuckled, provoking some nasty looks.

"My finger!" Merton groans and rolls around on the floor.

"No license, no crime!" Victor explained as he stalked towards them, gun ready. "Now. Drop the loot, and blow."

Merton struggled to his feet. "You tell Penguin he hadn't heard the last of this!"

Victor followed Merton and Merton's men with his gun as they hurried out. People started getting brave and calling out at the retreating men, while the bride and groom rushed up to Victor to express their gratitude. When he smiled at them I knew there was more to it. Victor was no hero.

"I can't thank you enough!" The bride offered Victor her hand and I bristled.

"Don't bother." Victor smiled as he took her hand. "Because you see those guys," he looked over at a door where men with guns were filing in, "They DO have a license. Mazel tov." He kissed her hand and then looked at it more closely. "Seriously?" He looked from the ring to the groom with disapproval.

The bride and groom held each other close while shots rang out as the new crew of robbers did their thing.

"Best wedding ever!" Victor laughed.

I took advantage of the confusion and chaos to slip up behind him.

"Couldn't resist the call of Rick Astley?"

Victor turned his head to the side to glance behind at me. "Still crashing weddings?"

"Of course. Free food and free money? Count me in." I earned a small smile from him.

"You should probably get out of here. These guys are a little trigger happy." He nodded towards the Penguin approved robbers.

"I'm fine thanks. Catching up with an old friend."

One of the robbers approached, eyeing me. "She got anything on her?"

"A mouth." Victor muttered too quietly for the man to hear.

"I'm already stripped clean, sorry." I shrugged, turning back to Victor.

He stepped up close behind me. "You're pretty cute. Maybe I better actually strip you to be sure."

The man jumped as Victor moved fast as lightening to put the barrel of his gun against the man's forehead. "Touch her and you die."

"So you do still care. Good to know." I smirked at him before walking away.


	10. 10

It was about six months after I'd rescued Victor that he caught Don Carmine Falcone's eye. We'd slowly been feeling out the "job market" for his skillset and the few jobs he'd picked up had garnered attention of the good kind.

"Guess who I met today." Victor smirked smugly when I walked in the door.

"The Easter Bunny. I don't know." I sighed, setting grocery bags down on the kitchen counter. 

"Don Carmine Falcone."

"Really." I turned to him with a raised eyebrow.

"He's interested in the possibility of employing me in the future."

"That's promising. You can't do much better than Falcone. He's respectable unlike the rest of them."

"I have an interview with him later today. You're coming too."

"Me?" I stopped putting groceries away to look at him.

"I told him you're my partner and I don't make any decisions without you."

I had to look away because I felt like my heart had swelled up into my throat. I knew my feelings for him had grown over the past few months, but he was so hard to read. At times... Well there was that kiss but it could have been platonic. We slept together but never really touched. 

 

 

Arriving at Falcone's mansion was terrifying but Victor had held my hand the whole car ride there. I hoped Falcone's driver hadn't noticed and wouldn't report on the weakness. Victor was calm and confident. I was a nervous wreck for no reason. 

"The Don will be in to see you shortly." 

We were left in a study and while Victor prowled around the room, I sat on the couch and watched him. He was like a panther, clothed all in black, sleek, moving so smoothly all lean muscle. I'd seen him naked so many times. He wasn't muscled really but he was lean and strong and fast. I watched the way he moved a lot. 

"Mr. Zsasz. Thank you for coming." Don Carmine Falcone stepped into the room and shook Victor's hand before turning to me. "My dear, it's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard great things." He took my hand and kissed it, leaving me bewildered and speechless. 

Falcone sat down at his desk and Victor joined me on the couch. The Don looked back and forth between us, his sharp blue eyes missing nothing. It was several minutes before he spoke again. 

"So. I have a job that needs done. I'm going to hire you to do it Mr. Zsasz. If you complete it and I am satisfied with your work then I will write up a proposal for a long-term contract. I have no doubt that this will be the outcome. Your reputation precedes you."

"Thank you sir." Victor smiled that creepy yet genuine smile of his. 

"Now my dear, I'd like to speak with you alone. If you'd leave us, Mr. Zsasz?"

I could feel Victor immediately tense beside me. He obviously didn't like leaving me alone. I looked over at him and tried to smile reassuringly. His large dark eyes were impassive but he surprised me by pressing his lips to my forehead, letting them linger there while squeezing my hand. Then he stood and left the room leaving me alone with Don Carmine Falcone. 

"Don't be afraid dear. I see massive potential in your friend Victor. He's not much of a talker but he told me about you. His guardian angel- swooping in when he was at his lowest and saving him. You don't find much compassion like that in Gotham. I think he's quite in love with you, though he doesn't realize it."

I felt my face flush and opened my mouth to argue but he held a hand up, silencing me. 

"He said you were his partner but you're no killer." This time he paused to wait for me to respond.

"I mean, no. I'm not. I help him with his tools, his weapons. I taught him how to be stealthy, to not get caught. To not leave evidence behind. If he needs help, I help him. Whether it's a distraction, and escape plan, or nursing him after an unexpected complication."

"He would be nothing without you." The Don looked at me with interest.

I opened my mouth and shut it again because... He was right, wasn't he? If I hadn't taken Victor home that day he'd probably be in Blackgate. If I hadn't let him stay... He would have kept trying to kill people and would have been caught. I just had never thought of it like that. 

"When I welcome Victor into the family business, it includes you as well. No. No don't argue. I like you. You are a good person- regardless of any criminal activities. You are genuine and that is so very rare anywhere and especially so in Gotham. I have a daughter, you know. She's not in Gotham. I sent her away from all of this years ago. She resents me for it. I wish she were more like you. I would love to have you around more. So, please, consider my offer dear."

"Thank you. I will." 

"I'll send Victor the details on the job. Until the next time."

I smiled and stood and on shaky legs walked out the door.


	11. 11

I'm ashamed to admit that after Victor left me I was a mess. I'd always been tough but I couldn't hold it together. It was so unexpected. His leaving. And the realization that I loved him. I was IN love with him.

I waited until the next evening, one whole day of him being gone, before I broke down and went to see Carmine Falcone. He'd been truthful when he said I would be welcomed into the family. He'd become a bit of a father figure for me and both Victor and I respected the hell out of him. 

"Hello dear, what's so urgent?" Falcone opens the door for me himself.

I looked around hastily before answering. "Is Victor here?"

"No. He's out with three of the girls trying to recapture Fish and Gilzean." His piercing stare is clearly examining me closely.

"Fish escaped?" I exclaimed.

"Yes. Gilzean broke free and helped her escape. I have no doubt Victor will recapture them. We have a strong lead." He ushered me inside but I could tell he was still trying to read me. It wasn't until we sat down in his study that he spoke again. "You've been crying. Why?"

His observation brings it all back and I burst into tears again. "I'm s-sorry." I hiccupped.

The Don came to sit next to me and put his arms around me. "Talk to me dear. What has upset someone so precious to me?"

"Victor, he... He left. He left me?" I started to laugh a little hysterically. "It sounds so ridiculous saying it now because it's not like we were together but," I had to stop to try and keep from hyperventilating.

"Hm. I thought it strange when he asked about taking a room here. Did you fight?" 

I took deep breaths trying to calm myself. "He came home last night from working for you. He came in all upset and I asked what happened but he wouldn't tell me. All he said was that there was a mole but it was taken care of."

"Oh dear." Falcone frowned and put a finger to his lips in thought.

"He started packing all his things and I didn't know what to do. I asked what he was doing and he said he was leaving. I asked what he meant and he said he was cutting me out of his life. That I was a potential weakness and he couldn't have any weaknesses and it was for the best. And he just left." I found myself starting to hyperventilate again as I recounted his words. 

"Calm down, shh. You're okay. I think I know what happened."

I looked up at him in Surprise. His face seemed to show as much pain as my heart felt. 

"What happened?"

"Liza. You know Liza of course." I nodded and he continued. "She was taken. They used her to blackmail me. Fish did that is. Wanted me to sign over everything and if I did then Liza and I would be free to retire out to the country. And honestly... That's what I want too. Victor was upset I wouldn't just let him go in and take out Fish. Then some... Information was told to me. He was right- I didn't want to hear it. I was told... Liza was a mole. Planted by Fish, groomed by Fish from the very beginning." I gasped but he just shook his head and continued.

"I went through with meeting Fish. Told her I needed to see Liza or the deal was off. When she came to me I took her hand, held it in mind. A sweet gesture. And when I questioned her on how long she had known Fish, revealed that I'd been told she was a plant... I could feel that quickening pulse in her wrist as she lied to me. Fish used my love for my mother as a weakness. Finding and grooming Liza to use against me." 

"What did you do?"

Carmine looked at the carpet, refusing to meet my eyes. "I killed her."

I stared at the man I'd come to love and respect and saw he was in as much pain as I was, maybe more.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered.

"I'm afraid it's my fault. Your pain." He looked back up at me remorsefully. "You see, Victor was right. You are his only weakness. I told you the day we met that he loved you. Men do stupid things for love. He saw that firsthand yesterday. I almost lost everything because of Liza. I don't blame her. It was my love for her that did it. But Victor took away two lessons from last night. One... The ones you love can be put in danger by those who want to hurt you. And two... Love can be a weakness. Becoming close to anyone can make them cannon fodder, can present a weakness to your enemies."

"So you're saying he left because he loves me?"

"Yes, exactly. He doesn't want you hurt. He doesn't want you used against him. You know how Victor is. He likes to be in control. You are in all seriousness his only weakness. I'd venture to say that you and I are the only two people in the world he truly cares for." 

"There's nothing I can do, is there." I sighed in despair, knowing it was true. 

"Don't lose all hope dear. I think his love for you may very well be as strong as his love for inflicting pain and death. You must prove to him that you are a strength to him as much as a weakness. He needs you. You just have to show him."


	12. 12

I was happy when Victor found Wendell. I really was. Partially because I felt he was unknowingly letting his guard down. Mostly because I saw an in. Somehow Victor had found friendship with someone so vastly different from him. I suppose that he was simply growing and evolving as a person like we all do. But Wendell... Wendell is as talkative as Victor is stoic. And finding his favorite drinking hole was almost too easy. 

"Wendell! It is Wendell, right?" I cheerfully called out as I approached the bar. 

"Do I know you?"

"Not yet." I smiled.

"No... I know you from somewhere." He was insistent and it got me puzzled.

"I'm quite sure we've never met."

"Oh you're right. But I know you from somewhere. I seen your face before." He scrutinized me as I flagged down the bartender for a drink. "Wait a minute. No way. No fucking way!" He exclaimed excitedly.

"What?" I was baffled. I came to squeeze him for information and now he was turning the tables on me.

"You're her. That girl. The one in the picture- I see it now! You look a little different. Your hair is shorter. But you're definitely her." 

"Who?"

"The girl from Victor's secret picture."

I felt my jaw drop. "He has a picture of me?" I whispered, putting a hand to my mouth. "I didn't know he'd ever taken one."

"He keeps it hidden. I caught him though. He thought I was asleep and he got it out of hiding and just laid there staring at it, touching it. The next day after he left I had to get it out and see. Who are you?"

This was a turn of events I hadn't expected. Never in a million years would I have suspected he had a picture of me. Now I was the one put on the spot. Did I really want to tell him the truth- the whole truth? 

"What are you going to do if I tell you?" I asked cautiously.

He eyed me slyly and smiled. "You don't want me telling him I met you, huh?"

I looked down at my drink and nodded.

"Alright. Fair enough. I doubt he'd want either of us talking to each other. You came to me for information I bet. Tell you what. You tell me who you are to Victor and I'll tell you whatever you want." 

And that was how I ended up telling Wendell everything. I didn't mean to but I couldn't exactly leave out the feelings or the rest of it wouldn't make sense. When I was done Wendell sat back and whistled. 

"Damn girl. Truth's better than any of the stories I'd concocted."

"Thanks? I think?"

"Frankly I'm jealous. Boy loves you so much he left you to try and protect you. And you love him so much that you are still trying to keep track of him."

"I guess when you put it that way... It's either super romantic or majorly desperate."

"Girl. I'm on your team. I don't care how long it takes I want to see you get your happy ever after. Or whatever murdering sociopaths have."


	13. 13

I missed Carmine when he went into retirement so I was thrilled when he came back to Gotham for Mario's wedding. Then the tragedy of the Tetch virus struck. I'll admit that while I loved Carmine I wasn't the hugest fan of Mario. He was too cocky- came across to fake for my liking. I felt for Carmine when he was killed but I wouldn't miss him. I went to the funeral though. Even Victor made an appearance, although I only saw him from a distance. I visited Carmine again a few days later. 

"My dear, come in. It's so good to see you."

"Carmine." I smiled as he hugged me.

"How have you been? You just missed Victor checking in." He read my facial reaction and sighed. "I'd hoped he had come around in my absence."

"No. He's been working for penguin. I try to keep tabs on him but I don't know what else to do."

"He's on a job for me at the moment. He's quite frustrated. His last attempt didn't go as planned."

"Jim Gordon?"

"You always were sharp. Yes. Victor had a good shot on him but then Jim moved. Led him on a bit of a chase. They cornered him but Jim took out both of the girls he had with him. Jim got the jump on him and when it came down to hand-to-hand and close quarters, Jim overpowered him."

"Oh, he's pissed."

"Yes. He does love a challenge though."

I looked up as someone came bursting in.

"Carmine! Call it off." Lee hurried into the room, drawing his attention.

"Why?" He stood and went to her.

She's clearly distressed. "I saw Barnes. The virus has completely taken over- he's insane."

"What makes you want to save Gordon?" 

"Please. Just call it off." She plead.

"You said you hated him. That wasn't true was it."

"Call it off now!" I could see she was getting desperate.

He stepped towards her. "You talk of hate and revenge but that's only to mask what really scares you." 

Even from where I was seated I could see the fear in her eyes.

"You still love James Gordon."

Carmine's words left Lee speechless. It was like me and Victor I thought. Falcone was always so perceptive. He could see things about you that you didn't even realize. 

Carmine looked over at me and frowned. "If I do...that's it. It's over. I will return to my retirement and your problems are your own Lee."

"Yes, of course, thank you. Thank you Carmine." Lee tripped over her words.

Then he spoke to me. "I have to go call off Victor if it isn't too late. Wait here, will you? We'll have supper." 

I nodded and he left, leaving me alone with Lee.

"Nothing gets by Carmine."

My words startled Lee and she looked up, seeming to see for the first time that there had been someone else in the room.

"But I don't,"

"Don't bother denying it. I tried that too. You might as well be honest with yourself at least. Carmine can read anyone. Even Victor."

"You're a friend of the family, right?"

"You could say that."

Lee came to sit down across from me. "Sounds like your love life is going better than mine."

I snorted. "Hardly. He left me... Two years ago? Not that we were even together. Neither of us had admitted our feelings. And here I am pitifully still pining over him. Although I guess if Carmine doesn't get there in time and Jim get to the upper hand, well... We'll be in similar boats."

"Wait." She narrowed her eyes. I could see her mind working. "You mean to say your unrequited love is Victor Zsasz?"

"The one and only."

Her mind was still at work- I could see her going back over everything that had been said. "You said 'our' feelings...that Carmine could even read Victor. Victor told Carmine he loved you?"

My heart clenched at the thought. "No. But that's why he left. We were partners in a way. Friends. Some stuff happened on the job and he decided that the best thing to do was to cut me out of his life completely."

I could see the sympathy in Lee's eyes. 

"Carmine's the one who explained it to me. Victor wanted to protect me. Keep me from being used against him. He saw his love for me as a weakness. He saw a problem and he eliminated it."

"But you still love him."

"Yeah...I do."

"So who's to say he doesn't still love you?"

"Lee I can't even track him down. I've seen him a handful of times and usually from a distance. How would I know?"

"Ask him."

"What?"

"I'll help you find him. Then you ask him. You tell him how you feel."

We sat in silence for a while until Lee stood up. 

"I'm going to go freshen up for supper. I'll see you there."

I sat there in silence thinking over Lee's words until I heard footsteps approaching. I looked up just as Victor walked in the room. As soon as he saw me he froze and turned to walk away. 

"Victor! Wait!" I jumped up and he stopped with his back to me. "I have something I need to say." I plunged on before I could chicken out, even as he turned around so I was speaking to his face.

I swallowed hard, looking into those dark empty eyes. "Victor I love you."

It's the smallest reaction but I saw it. His whole body tensed. A slight widening of the eyes. The way he swallowed. 

"Do you still love me?" I added the still to let him know that I knew he at least had in the past.

Lee was right.

He didn't answer me. Not with words anyway. He even did good at minimizing his reaction. But his eyes, his eyes said it all. They didn't just say it, they SCREAMED yes. Those dark eyes, normally a blank void, filled with all the emotion that he kept locked down. They showed the pain, the hurt, fear, and love. 

He turned and disappeared out of the door. But he still loved me.


	14. 14

"If we don't get a chance to talk before then, it's been really nice knowing you. You're a good egg. 

Also, nice shot on Mario. Never liked him."

 

Victor and I first met Mario Calvi at a dinner at the Falcone mansion. We were practically family by then and Mario had come to Gotham to visit his dad. 

Carmine introduced us and Mario kissed my hand in greeting. He lingered a bit too long. When he offered his hand to Victor to shake, Victor left him hanging and to just glared at him as if he could wither before his eyes.

"You know if you ever feel like getting out of this crappy town for a few days, you are welcome to visit. I'd be glad to take you out and show you how fun a classier city can be." 

Mario had been making comments like that the whole night and I kept politely declining. He was really getting on my nerves though. I loved Gotham and it's dark dismal streets. 

Victor was gripping his arm tightly and I could tell by the way his fingers were digging in that he was reopening his newest tally. I almost wished I could do the same to distract myself from Mario's shameless flirting. 

Victor leaned over and put his lips to my ear. "Does he ever stop? And I thought I was persistent."

I choked on my laughter as I tried to hold it in.

Mario frowned. " So what is it with you two? Are you siblings? A couple?"

My laughter turned into a coughing fit.

"It's really none of your concern." Victor answered- the first he'd really spoken all night.

Unfortunately I saw Mario's eyes light up at the challenge.

"It is if I want to take her out on a date."

If looks could kill, Victor's glare would have incinerated Mario in an instant. "No."

"No what?"

"She's not going anywhere with you."

"Isn't that up to her to decide?" Mario smiled charmingly at me.

I hated being put on the spot. I opened my mouth but it was Victor who spoke. "She doesn't want to."

"Doesn't want to decide?"

"To go anywhere with you." Victor's voice was practically a growl.

"I didn't ask you baldy." Mario sneered.

Victor was immediately on his feet, guns drawn.

"That's enough!" I stood and pushed my chair back, glaring at Mario. "Victor we're leaving. Don Falcone thank you for the lovely dinner." I grabbed Victor's arm and steered him away from Mario. 

 

That night when we went to bed something was different. We always kept to our sides of the bed. I froze when Victor scooted over to my side to speak softly in my ear.

"If Mario ever tries to speak to you again I'm putting a bullet in his head."

"Victor," I started to speak, but stopped as I felt his arm wrap around me.

 

 

"Nice shot on Mario. Never liked him."


	15. 15

I had been keeping an ear out and caught word that someone was looking to narrow down the mayoral competition. After the death of Janice Caulfield and the suspicious leads pointing towards Penguin, I figured it was likely Victor would be involved. Randall Hobbs was going into lockdown mode so it was easy for me to set up my own stake out out of sight of the GCPD. 

When the guns started going off I watched the movement through the windows to see they were headed for the alley. The GCPD's new strike force pulled up just as the remaining men burst out the door with Victor on their heels. I stayed back out of sight as Hobbs hurried to safety and the cops opened fire on Victor. 

Victor rolled over a car to take cover and caught a glimpse of me in my hiding spot. Ignoring me, he steps back out and resumes firing at the cops while retreating back away from me. He stepped behind another car momentarily then went back out, advancing on the cops and taking one down in spite of their shields. Then one of the cops gets off a lucky shot and Victor is hit. I know I audibly gasped although there was no one to hear. As Victor went down to his knees he shot a fire hydrant- the spray impeding the cops visibility. 

"Unexpected." I heard him mutter through gritted teeth. 

I took a deep breath and rushed from my hiding spot. "Come on." I grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet.

He glared at me, but let me lead him through the door I'd broken and into the neighboring building. We hurried through various hallways and down stairs to the basement. 

"How bad is it?"

"Where are we going?" 

"This basement has a tunnel that leads to another basement a few buildings down. Now let me look at it while we still have decent lighting."

Victor sighed and rolled his eyes but he unbuttoned his jacket while I loosened his shoulder holster. He shrugged it and his jacket off with a wince. I quickly unbuttoned the vest and the top half of his shirt before carefully peeling it away from the wound. 

"Turn around." I instructed as I investigated and thankfully found an exit wound. 

"Will I live, doc?" Victor intoned sarcastically.

"I think so." I rewarded his attitude by pressing my finger into the wound. 

"Feels great." He hissed with a smile.

"Tastes good too." I raised my eyebrows as I licked my finger off. "Now let's go get you cleaned up."

 

When we got to the other basement I grabbed the pack I'd left there. Thankfully I'd packed some first aid supplies. I cleaned and bandaged the wound quickly while Victor sat staring blankly ahead. 

"That's the best I can do right now." I stepped back to admire my handiwork and tried not to let my eyes wander over his naked torso. 

Victor redressed himself and headed for the exit. 

"Thanks." He murmured and left me standing alone again.


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Victor's POV

She may have taught me about being stealthy and not leaving a trace, but I had mastered it. She could hide and disappear but she was no hunter. That's why, try as hard as she may, she could never track me down. She got lucky a few times but then again, half the reason she couldn't find me is because I was finding her first. I was watching her. Keeping tabs on her. Keeping her safe from a distance. 

I didn't mean to ever see her again when I left. But she wasn't my potential weakness, I was already weak. I let her be my weakness and even after I left she still made me weak. But the least I could do is as keep my distance and keep her safe. So I did. 

When I saw her while trying to take out Hobbs I was surprised. She's probably the reason I got shot. I was distracted because I knew she was there. She was so damn close to a high powered shootout. I wasn't focused on my opponent, I was trying to figure out how to get them away from her. 

Then she showed up at that wedding. I should have remembered her penchant for crashing them and doing some pick-pocketing while enjoying the free food. She waited to approach me until after I'd cleared out Merton and his goons. And of course the first thing I blurted out was that she should leave so she didn't get hurt. It was one thing to avoid her and watch from a distance but when it came to interacting with her I couldn't maintain my composure. Especially with someone threatening her. Pulling out my gun was just instinctual, a reflex. And she read me like a book- so you do still care. As if I could ever stop.


	17. 17

"What's on the agenda today?" I carried my fresh mug of coffee over to the couch. 

A smile creeps onto Victor's face. "I went to the video store."

"And?" I could tell he was excited.

"Footloose. Dirty Dancing. The Lost Boys. Labyrinth." He held each movie up in turn. 

"Is this payback for the Indiana Jones marathon?" 

"Not payback if you enjoy it."

"Touché." I smiled as I sat down beside him. 

"So. Which first?" He cocked an invisible eyebrow at me. 

"How long is this going to take?"

He glared at me. "It's only an hour longer than Indiana Jones."

"Alright, alright." I held a hand up in defeat. "Footloose it is."


	18. 18

Making friends with Wendell turned out to be one of my best moves in keeping track of Victor. I wasn't sure how Wendell and Victor had become friends but Wendell and I easily became fast friends too. Probably because we had Victor in common to talk about. Wendell could be to me when Victor was being a dick or tell me something funny that happened when they were grabbing milkshakes after a hit. And I got to hear how Victor was doing...get to be a part of his life one way or another.

"There's my princess!" Wendell points to me from across the crowded bar.

Meeting at bars was pretty safe for us since Victor avoided them unless he was on a job. Wendell had taken to calling me princess. Said he needed to differentiate me from the Zsaszettes because I was the OG, original girl. 

"Hey Wendy." I pecked him on the cheek as I sat on the stool beside him. 

"Gotcha the usual." He slides a glass over to me- cranberry juice and Bacardi. 

"Mmm. How's life?"

"I mean...about the same as it ever is in Gotham. Could be better, could be dead. Things are tense right now, ya know?"

"Yeah. I've been trying to lay low. Unless you have the right resources, it's too dangerous not to." I finish off my drink and slide the glass forward for a refill. 

"I think you've laid low long enough Princess." 

"What do you mean?"

"I think you've been hiding in the shadows of Victor's life long enough. He needs you."

I'm left speechless. Sure originally, the idea had been to show Victor that he needed me...both to kind of get revenge, but also to get back what I'd lost. It had been so long now though...with everything that's happened...I guess I'd kind of just resigned myself to the sad life I was living. 

"I don't know Wendell. Dealing with me is probably the last thing he needs with everything else that's going on." 

"Girl. I love you. And I love Victor. And I can see how miserable both of you are. If anything, you need each other now more than ever. He hasn't been the same since Falcone..."


	19. 19

The funeral was the last time I had seen Victor. It was the first time in awhile that I'd actually seen him face to face and hadn't been sneaking around. I sat towards the back with red eyes, clutching some crumpled tissues. My guard was down, I was grieving, and I didn't know he was there until I felt his hand on the nape of my neck. I knew it was him instantly. It had been years, but I knew his touch. It was something he used to do- towards the end. I'd be sitting at the table or reading a book and he would pass by, pausing to touch my neck softly. 

It had been years, but my body immediately warmed at his touch, my heart faltering and skipping a beat. It was a moment before I looked up at him, standing over me while Penguin hobbled on without him. He didn't speak but his eyes spoke all his grief to me. And I knew whoever did this would pay. 

Losing Carmine had been hard. I didn't really have family of my own and Carmine had been a father figure to me. It had been lonely when he retired, but he had still kept in touch. Now he was gone forever. I knew Victor would destroy whoever had killed him, but if I was being honest with myself, I wanted a piece of that revenge too.


	20. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Victor's POV

"So who's the girl?"

I looked up from cleaning my guns to frown at Wendell.

"What are you talking about?"

He gives me that knowing secretive look. "You know. Your mystery girl." 

"I don't know what you're talking about." I don't have time for his games right now. 

"Her?"

I slowly raise my glare from the table in front of me up to where he's standing, a photograph between his fingers. 

Fuck. 

"Where did you get that."

He grins, knowing he has my full attention now. "From it's hiding place. You aren't always as sneaky as you think you are."

"Give it back." I stand up, gun still in hand, although it unfortunately isn't loaded. 

"Nah, I don't think so. Not until you spill the beans. Who's the cutie?"

The smug bastard. 

"Who she is is none of your concern."

"Vic, you're just making me more and more interested. I'm curious as to just what woman could gather this reaction."

"She doesn't matter. Just someone from my past." Even saying those words, hurts. 

"Doesn't matter my ass! Otherwise why'd you keep this picture hidden?" 

He had me there and he knew it. I knew it. 

That damn picture.

 

We'd found the camera in a pawn shop and she'd impulsively grabbed it with an impish grin. One of those bulky Polaroid cameras that instantly printed a picture that you had to shake to develop. 

"Smile Victor!"

I didn't smile, but I did look up at her with a quirked brow. 

"Ugh, you're no fun." 

"Fine. Let me take one of you." I held out my hand for the camera as she shook the first picture. 

"Let's take one together! Please?" She sticks out her lower lip, giving me big sad eyes. 

I roll my eyes but go over to join her on the couch. She scoots over towards me so we're pressed side to side. Normally I tried to avoid physical contact, but I found myself sliding my arm over her shoulders. She beamed up at me, then looked back at the camera she was awkwardly holding out in front of us. 

"Smile!" She instructs through her own smile as she leans into me and presses the button. 

It wasn't until later that I finally took a picture of her. She was sitting on the couch reading a book, her feet tucked up behind her, a wisp of hair falling down in her face. She didn't notice me snapping the photo- too engrossed in her novel to care. I shook the picture and watched the image of her appear fizzy and then clear, just like she had suddenly appeared in my life.


	21. 21

The day after I met Wendell, I dug through the box hidden under my bed to find the pictures. I remembered Victor taking my picture. He didn't think I'd noticed, but I was always aware of him. I never knew what had happened to that picture, but now I knew that he'd kept it all this time. 

Buried in an old show box was my most valued treasure. Two Polaroid photos. One of Victor with that signature questioning look of his. The other one though- that one was priceless. Victor and I on the couch, his arm around me, looking nothing like the Victor that everyone knows. I was smiling happily into the camera...and so was he. Not that creepy little grin he had when thinking about things of the killing nature, but a real genuine smile. 

Victor Zsasz. Happy. With me.


	22. 22

He'd been working for Carmine Falcone for a little while when he was tasked with bringing in Jim Gordon for a chat. I knew it was a job he'd enjoy. For one, he'd enjoy the theatrics of waltzing into the GCPD. And secondly, from what I knew of Detective Gordon- he wasn't going to go willingly, which Victor would find fun. A challenge. 

Unfortunately Jim had managed to escape which had left Victor in a foul mood when he came home that night. He'd come to bed but he just laid there, glaring at the ceiling, stiff as a board. 

"You're not going to be able to sleep, are you?" I sighed. 

His voice was so quiet I almost didn't hear his response. "I'm sorry."

I rolled over to the beside stand and opened the drawer, pulling out a small knife. Turning back to Victor, I offered him the knife, hilt first. He takes it wordlessly, pain in his eyes. 

In a way, killing had become a sort of need for him. A need to inflict some sort of pain, some sort of violence. Whenever that need was denied or a difficulty arose, like Gordon escaping, Victor couldn't rest until he'd released all that pent up intent. Much to his disapproval, I had volunteered to be an outlet. He hated it. He hated using me and he hated that he couldn't help it. He couldn't refuse my help, refuse the compulsion. 

He insisted that he only ever use my back. He didn't want me to have to see. A witness to his weakness. So I rolled over onto my stomach and waited. He was always so gentle as he rolled my shirt up all the way over my head to expose my whole back to him. There was almost a ritual to it for him. First he would touch my back, softly, tenderly, his fingers tracing over the different bones and muscles. Next came the knife. He repeated the tracing of the curvatures of my back with the blade, cool and sharp and light.

I'd never admitted it to him, but I enjoyed it too. He thought he was using me but perhaps I was using him in return? Or maybe it was also because it was Victor that I enjoyed it so much. The first cut always made me flinch. It was always the same- a longer slash, quick and decisive. The rest depended on how bad his need was. Tonight it was bad, but he went quickly, his guilt too strong. Five cuts in total. To this day I'm not sure if he realized what he was doing- or it was on purpose or if it was hidden in his subconscious. When he was done, he cleaned the knife and returned it to the drawer. Then he would carefully roll my shirt back down over the cuts before gently pulling me back against him. He folded himself around me like a child with a well-loved teddy bear. Initially there was always pain as his bare chest pressed against the wounds through my shirt but it was worth every sting to feel him against me and to hear his even breathing as he relaxed and fell asleep.

 

Victor wasn't happy often. It just wasn't part of who he was. I found little ways to make him happy though. 

The next day when Victor got home from the Falcone mansion he was in an odd mood. 

"How'd it go?" 

"Falcone let him go. Just like that. Old man's got a soft spot for him." He sounded disgusted. His gaze shifts to the floor, sullen, as he adds, "And Liza wouldn't give me any muffins."

I took pride in the fact that I didn't laugh. I did, however, smile. "What kind of muffins?"

"I don't know but they smelled good."

I shook my head but the next day I baked him muffins. 

Muffins were a surefire way to make Victor happy.


	23. 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Victor's POV

I never liked Mario. Pompous ass. He was a Falcone though so when he asked me to keep Jim Gordon busy, I did. Also,messing with Jim was just plain fun. 

Mario had definitely gone off the deep end, even for him. But getting to toy with Gordon...worth it. Watching him squirm and try to reason with me as if I cared that Mario was infected with the virus. 

"Wait! Wait..." I interrupted his boring monologue. I wait for the second hand to get all the way around again,then hop off the little loveseat. "You're free to go Jim!"

I smile at his confusion and pop the clip out of his gun. "I'll keep this."

"I don't understand."

"I was only supposed to keep you until the big hand was on 9 and the little hand,"

"My mag, now." Jim interrupts, gesturing to the magazine. 

"Sorry Jim. But, give the bride a kiss for me." I smirk at him. 

He evidently didn't find it funny judging by the fist he slammed into my face before taking his ammo back with the explanation "I asked."

Sitting on the loveseat after he left, I debated going to the wedding or not. I'd been invited of course, but I was betting she had been too. Maybe I'd just pop in for a quick minute. 

 

When I got there, no one questioned me lurking around behind the scenes. I found her helping clean up the mess the bridesmaids left behind from getting ready. She had on a simple dark blue dress, soft and filmy so it clung to her but also swirled around her ankles. I'd never seen her in a dress before. Her hair was down in loose waves, longer than it had been before. 

As I watched from the shadows, Mario came into the room and my blood ran cold. I hadn't liked him before, but if what Jim had said about the virus was true... I wanted him around her even less now. Especially as I watched him approach her with that predatory glint in his eye. He whispered something in her ear and she whirled around in shock. 

"Mario what are you doing here?" She hissed loud enough for me to hear. 

"I missed you. It's been ages since I've seen you." He reaches out and runs his hands up and down her bare arms. 

My gun is in my hand without me being aware of drawing it. 

"Mario you should probably be out there getting ready to marry Lee." She tries to take a step back from him but he grips her arms. "Mario, please let go." 

"What's the matter doll, didn't you miss me?"

I can see her swallow her fear and replace it with anger. 

"Mario- let go." It's an order this time.

"I don't think so doll. I'm tired of you playing hard to get."

"Get the fuck off me or Victor is going to put a bullet in your head."

I frown, knowing she can't possibly see me. 

"Victor's working for me doll,"

"Actually..." I step out from my hiding place, startling them both. "I held Jim Gordon for the allotted time. That was the job. I'm not working for you now."

Mario rolls his eyes, dismissing me, but she knows. She made that threat because she remembered me making it years ago. 

"He's not gonna hurt me doll, I'm a Falcone. Maybe I'll even be nice and let him have a taste too..." He licks his lips as his eyes wander down her body. 

I step forward and press my gun to the base of his skull. 

"The only thing you're going to be tasting Mario, is lead. Now do as the lady says, and Let. Her. Go."

"Victor, back off."

Arrogant prick. 

I walk around them so I'm standing behind her instead and the gun is touching his forehead. My free arm wraps around her waist, tugging her back towards me. 

"How about YOU back off Mario, and I won't have to explain to your dad why I blew your brains out on your wedding day."

He glares at me but his hands return to his sides. "You always did have some sick obsession with her."

She turns and buries her face in my chest and wraps her arms around me. I lower my gun and hold her, returning his glare. 

"What's going on here?"

We all turn to look at Don Falcone.

"Just a misunderstanding Dad." Mario brushes past him on his way out the door. 

"You okay dear?"

"Yes Carmine. Thank you." She steps away from me and hurries out a different door. 

"Victor?"

"My loyalty is to you sir- not him."

"I'm aware Victor. You talked to her?"

I frown at the hope in his voice. "No. But he had his hands on her sir."

"You should talk to her Victor. She misses you."

I missed her too.


	24. 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Victor's POV

I'd told Wendell that I was going to visit my Bubbe. And I did. But most of my "vacation" was spent watching her. 

She still lived in the same apartment. It really wasn't safe enough. The locks were easy to pick and I doubted she had gotten a gun in the time I'd been gone. She still had the same habits, a similar routine. It was like nothing had changed- like I'd never left. Her hair was longer. She never seemed to smile. She always used to smile. And laugh. And throw things at my head. And look at me like...

I was happy to see she slept alone. I felt guilty peering in her bedroom window as she changed clothes before bed. She still slept in the same over-sized t-shirt with a wolf on the front. She changed with her back to me. It had scarred beautifully. It took up her whole back, shoulder blades to back dimples. A giant Z. I'd left my mark on her. Permanently. 

She'd left a permanent mark on me too. It just wasn't visible. Did she know?


End file.
